Man Logic

There are several Memes on the internet pertaining to “women logic.”  Here are a few of my faves:

I’m the first to admit that all women (yes, even you “sane” ones) are crazy.  Befriending and dating men is just a matter of masquerading your craziness into something useful–like making a sandwich.  I kid, I kid.  But seriously.  Ever notice how a girl seems so totally normal when you’re first dating her, but gradually the crazy comes out?  It’s only a matter of time, and the amount of craziness we show is in direct correlation by how comfortable we are with a guy, or if we just really don’t care about him at all.  In most cases, take it as a compliment.

But the purpose of this post is not to attempt to map out the labyrinth that is a woman’s mind–no one will ever understand that.  The purpose is to talk about all the crazy stuff men do, and how I personally don’t get it at all.

1.  If a guy likes a girl, he insults her

Did you ever graduate elementary school?  Or have you spent way too much time watching “Hey Arnold” ?  I remember watching “The Pickup Artist” on MTV back in the day, and the biggest tip Mystery (remember him?  Long hair and cowboy hat and totally would never get any girls ever?) gave the awkward guys was that you should take a playful gig at a girl.  Even in jest, you have to know me pretty well before I allow you to tease me at all.  If a girl is interested in you, she might let it slide, but I assure you that compliments will get you way farther than saying.  If you continuously insult me, I’ll probably catch on that you’re in to me, but be so disgusted and turned off that I’ll spend the night eating my feelings instead of with you.

2.  If a guy likes a girl, he’ll flirt with her friends

I know that in “man world” the primal instincts take over to procreate with the most appealing specimen, but do you really want to unleash that amount of craziness if the girl you’re interested in thinks you’re into her best friend?  You’re causing strain on a friendship, and making it a whole lot harder on yourself.  I would never in a million years date a guy if I thought he wanted my best friend, or that he was only interested in me because it didn’t work out with her.

3.  Cleaning is really more of a suggestion than something everyone should follow

Ask your boyfriend or guy friend when the last time he washed his sheets was.  Then proceed to find the nearest trashcan and vomit in it.  I understand that some guys won’t wash something unless it’s visibly dirty, which is fine–I definitely wear jeans more than once before I wash them.  But just because your white shirt doesn’t have a huge ketchup stain on the front doesn’t mean the armpits aren’t beginning to resemble a banana that’s past its prime.  Also, showering daily makes everyone around you happier, as is wearing deodorant.  If you’re a man then you’re out there doing manly things, and that probably involves a good amount of sweating.  Fine, embrace it, but no one likes your man musk but you.  Matthew McConaughey allegedly does not wear deodorant because he prefers his natural odor.  Have I mentioned that I’m not attracted to Matthew McConaughey at all?

4.  Clothes are stupid

I’m not asking you to have a pair of matching sneakers with every shirt in your closet–even I’m not that severe (but damn it if I had the money you better believe my shoe inventory would triple).  But you only have one pair of athletic shorts?  One pair?  As in, you wear it to the gym everyday, whenever you’re lounging around the house, and whenever it’s hot outside?  Going back to my previous cleanliness statement, that’s disgusting.  And very unpractical.  One of my best guy friends in high school only owned 6 shirts.  I could pretend I was psychic by predicting what he wore to school because I had a 16.67% (yay, math!) chance of getting it right.  At least have enough to where you can make it through a week without repeating!

5.  Money should only be spent on super nice electronics

Guys constantly give women crap about spending money on expensive shoes and handbags.  Me personally, I am all about a bargain and probably don’t buy something unless it’s on sale and super cheap to begin with.  But when women do spend a lot of money on clothes, it’s because we want to look nice for boys.  When a guy spends $400 on a phone, he’s definitely not doing it to look good for a girl–he’s doing it to make sure his fantasy team is rocking it and that he can play with it and be antisocial.  But hey, that’s just my two cents…

And I could go on and on and on but it’s getting close to my bedtime and I’m sure I have some feelings to eat or some stupid problem to cry about.  That’s what having a vagina is really all about.